Apr 20 Good Friday
my dear Sally,
Alas alas, matters have only gotten worse... My wife is in the hospital at the moment in a serious collapse. I can't see at this moment where we go from here. Her business is definitely folding, leaving us with a huge debt plus her no longer having any take home pay, and the prospect of a full time job for her a very questionable matter. I have been frantic trying to be a mother as well as carry on my teaching chores (veryheavy at the end of the term time); and this particular week has been especially difficult with the children both home all the time for what is laughingly calle d Easter Vacation.
I would give anything to drop the whole business and get out of here utterly and fly off to Pittsburgh. But you & I well knew that is not the nature of reality. And it is also impossible & impractial. I am constantly questioning whether I can go on either. And yet I know I have to, however much I dislike the sense of being trapped.
It shames me to think of how slow how remiss I have been in writing to you. I am embarassed when I think of how wondrous you were/are/have always been to me; how closely & strongly we share the perspectives of creation; what beautiful rapport I feel whenever I merely think of the word Pittsburgh. Forgive this long silence, in answering your warm note. I have been truly beside myself. Pressured so heavily from hundreds of stduents. And at the same time trying to cope with a very difficult home situation.
As it stands I don't see how I can reasonably leave here for an extended time in the East this summer. Psychological matters are too crucial. To say nothing of the financial ones. What I have begun to think is: can we plan for a future time? like a year from now, perhaps. Time to accrue strong financing, and a well-worked out plan, and my own visioning less clouded.
We must all have to face the fact that this filmmaking is an expensive business. Particularly for me, with having to be at such a long distance. This alone will take careful arranging.
I don't for one moment want to call the whole thing off. But I do want all the given circumstances to be as Right as possible.
Bobcat Gaylor wrote me about the possibility of my coming for another seminar, maybe next fall. Something like this might be set up as an actual filming-production course—even if it is only for a week or 2. Perhaps something less elaborate like that would be the best first step.
I hope you are having a joyous Easter. I will write again as soon as I have a more unharried hour. We must think thoughtfully what is the best/the most possible/the loveliest thing we can create, within whatever the limitations.